The Skeptical Mystic

        I can't tell you how many stories I've heard from friends and relatives about seeing a loved one after the loved one has died, either in a vision within the everyday world or in the dream state. In every case I recall, the loved one's death had been sudden and the experiences took place within a few days or a few weeks of the accident. In most cases, the living person may be sensitive and have occasional intuitive or psychic experiences, but is not an experienced psychic. People telling me these stories felt neither uncomfortable nor uneasy during the experience, but rather remembered an openness and sense of familiar comfort. It was only afterward, in trying to relate the story or put it in context that the living person began questioning the experience's reality.

        I have noticed some differences between the awakened and dream experiences.

        In the awakened visions, there is no reason for the living person to know a death has occurred. Though the experience occurs in the everyday world, it is markedly different from seeing ghosts. The living know the recently deceased, have a close bond and feel none of the discomfort, uneasiness or fear that comes with typical ghost encounters.

        Ghosts hang around because of unfinished emotional issues or because they have not yet realized they are dead. Even the friendly ghosts (these usually don't know they are dead) may leave the living with goose bumps or an uneasy feeling upon first encounter. Unfriendly ghosts may create an instant fear reaction. While people who work with ghosts learn to latch onto these sensations and approach them without fear, even a benign ghost experience elicits an uneasy feeling from an everyday person caught off guard. This differs from the awakened encounters with loved ones in which the living feel no sense of negative reaction, only surprise at an unexpected visit.

        Relatives (for these are the cases I've heard about) appear at a gate or doorway in a physical body that seems in good health and undamaged. There is no communication other than visual presence. The living person may call out or attempt conversation but gets no response. When the living person turns to look at something else and then turns back to the relative, the relative has disappeared. Shortly after, the living person receives news that their 'visitor' had died in an accident just prior to their mysterious and silent appearance.

        Dream state experiences tend to take place after the living hear about the death. The living may be experiencing deep regret or mourning over the loss. The recently deceased (for these dream experiences usually occur within the first few weeks) appear in the dream state with a sense of reality totally unlike usual dream occurrences. The dreamer realizes he/she is in the dreamstate, that they are with someone who has already died but now appears before them seeming every bit as alive as in previous encounters. Dream experiences do involve conversations. The living person awakens with a sense of peace and closure, a feeling that it is all right to get on with their own lives because the deceased is fine. Both sides know the love bond continues beyond death.

        I chose to believe that when loved loves die unexpectedly, they are quite able to move on to higher planes of awareness, but want one last contact with the ones they leave behind. They understand the pain and grief their death will cause and, since the spirit or soul that continues after death is free of pain and suffering, they reach out to reassure the living.

        How should one approach the experience? If you don’t believe in psychic experiences, then approach this experience as a resolution of conflict/regret/grief that has taken place within your own psyche. Again, I stress that it only wastes time to focus on proving or disproving these experiences. If it has an impact on your life or the way you feel about yourself and the world, then it is a valid experience. We can learn from our dreams just as well as we learn from everyday world experiences if we focus on the emotional changes and insights that come to us.

        If you are the type to believe in psychic experiences, then there is little more to do than take comfort and know the loved one is at peace and doing well within the higher worlds. If you need further closure, write letters or reach out in mediation or prayer and share your feelings. Love bonds can carry across time, space and realities. While a living person may not pick up on the message, I believe most beings in the higher worlds can. Hold onto the sweetness of that last contact because it is a measure of the love and concern someone has for you, even if your paths must part.

On the occassion of Rama's birthday, my beloved mentor Dr. V.G. Kulkarni sent this letter to his friends. He has kindly allowed me to share it with you. How different the act of living becomes when you focus on bringing an awareness of the Divine into your everyday life....

"This is the continuation about the retreats that Swami Rama used
to conduct -

"We should perceive the presence of the Divine in and around us.
This perception should be uninterrupted and continuous. Our daily
activities should be so modified that the perception of the Divine
should be through them.

"When we get up from our bed, we should thank the Lord for a
beautiful night's rest. Pray for a wonderful day and start the daily
routine. When we get under the shower, water flows all over the body.
We use soap etc and come out clean. Can we take this shower with this
feeling - "god, in the form of water, is all over me. He is cleaning
me. I am clean. I am pure. I am holy. I am strong. I am fearless. I am
now fit to do my work'. If we feel the presence of the Divine in
water, that is such a boon.

"When we go out for a walk, fresh air is so welcome. It enters the
system, cleans our blood and makes us healthy. Can we say - 'The
Divine, in the form of air, is entering my body. He is cleaning my
blood. I am getting stronger. I am fearless. I am happy.' This
perception of the Divine in the air is wonderful. If possible we can
chant 'Sohum' with the breath.

"Whenever we eat, in the West we say - 'Thank you Lord for the food
you gave us today'. In the East we say - 'Food is Brahman. Food is
Divine. This food is entering my system to make me strong. I am happy. I
am blissful'. We can thus feel the Divine in our food.

"Whenever we meet somebody. We talk. We see each other. The
beautiful eyes, the sweet words indicate a living being. If a person
is alive, there is a life-principle in him or her. That means that
there is a soul in the body. The soul is a part of the Supreme self.
So, when we see somebody, our mind should fly beyond the physical
appearance and see the soul inside. Since the soul is the Supreme
Self, we are in the presence of the Divine.

"We are all body-centered. That gives rise to 'I' and 'mine'. The
perception of the Divine should take us beyond the body to the domain
of the Divine. Then we will be fearless. Work will be a pleasure. The
body will be a bulb giving out Divine light. That is uninterrupted
continuous perception of the Divine."

         There have been several letters from teenagers, wanting to know how one ‘gets into someone else’s head’, meaning either reading the thoughts of a particular individual or else placing your own thoughts in another person’s awareness. I am always against such actions, but it seems hard to convince teenagers who only see possibilities without any consequences. Teenage years can be a highly active period for psychic activity, at the exact stage of life when some judgement centers of the brain are not fully developed. (Sorry kids, but those areas of the brain do not mature until nearly thirty, no matter how grown-up you feel).

         Early in the process of learning about relationships, a sense of discomfort and shyness make short-cuts appear direct, effective and safe, sans any risk of rejection. However, manipulating a relationship never bodes well in the long run. There are two ways to look at this problem.

         If you are a typical teenager, unfortunate enough to have someone putting thoughts into your head, I’m not about to teach you to return ‘tit for tat.’ Rather, I feel it is best to talk about your feelings and suspicions, to remind the person that relationships are built on trust and respect. No one can have their inner-most private moments invaded without feeling spied upon and building up walls of defense. If you want to continue the relationship, for heavens sake—talk it out. This may mean revealing some of your insecurities, but in a worthwhile relationship the other person should understand and care enough about your feelings to change their behavior. If he or she has a question, they should be asking it directly. If he or she wants something from you, they should trust the good will generated by mutual respect.

        Reading each other’s minds is not the way to get close. In a healthy relationship, sometimes you may find yourselves ‘on the same wavelength’, and thoughts may end up in sync. These can be wonderfully uplifting and deepen the bonds of affection and trust. There may be desperate times of reaching out for emotional support when I also consider mind-connecting to be a good thing. Spontaneous moments like this are genuine and healthy.

        It is quite a different situation when two people are not in agreement but there is a vested interest in one person pushing for his or her preferred end result. It is always counterproductive to building a solid relationship if both people’s needs, desires and feelings are not being honored in the relationship. The mark of a mature, honest, functional relationship shows up in how you work out the differences, not in how much you think and act alike. If you find your space being invaded by someone who can not treat you with the dignity, empathy and compassion you deserve, look for another relationship.

        If you are a spontaneous psychic, the issue becomes more complicated. With enough effort you can probably figure out how to read other people’s minds or project thoughts. Me telling you not to invade someone’s privacy may not stop you from pushing to see what you can or can’t do. Karma is your problem. The more your awareness develops, the faster some of these dishonest moves will come back to bite you. Yes, you know invading someone’s space is dishonest. What you may not be willing to acknowledge is the long term effects. It’s always hard as a teenager to envision life twenty or forty years down the road.

        People who manipulate relationships, either using common place non-verbal tricks of rapport building, or more subtle forms of mental telepathy, create an atmosphere that eventually push away people who are spontaneously open and friendly. You can’t push thoughts into someone’s head without first setting up your own distance in the relationship. In the contemplation or act of manipulating, you will not be responding in a genuinely open, friendly manner. Think about the attitude that justifies invading someone else’s space and overriding their best interests. You create an aura, an attitude that over time creates a circle of friends who are either also into using other people as means to their ends, or friends who feel most comfortable with some degree of dysfunction in their relationships. Is that really the world you want to end up living in?

        Every time you open your mind to push your thoughts outward, you also increase your vulnerability to lower astral encounters. Again, I warn spontaneous psychics that keeping your own aura brightly lit with positive emotions is the best defense to protect yourself from negative experiences.
Spontaneous psychics may often have thoughts of others popping into their heads. You can’t stop some experiences from just happening. I’ve learned to ignore extraneous thoughts, precisely because other people deserve their privacy and these thoughts are not being consciously sent to me. First, however, you have to recognize these thoughts as being foreign. If you can’t do that, you may begin to doubt your own sanity.

        For teens just opening to other worlds and the possibilities of new awareness levels, what I can strongly suggest is that you look into mediation. Mediation will serve as a means of centering yourself and maintaining your own emotional stability, and as a means of understanding how your own mind works so you can better identify foreign thoughts.

        Search for respected groups ( I prefer yoga or Buddhist group meditations) or use your higher intuition to lead you to spiritual mediation books. Avoid “How to be a Psychic” books and look for techniques which focus on developing you as a more caring, compassionate and authentic individual. I hope to go through some basics of meditation in future entries, but meditation encompasses many forms and techniques. Always seek the higher path. Don’t look to experts without also checking your own ‘gut feeling.’ Find what works for you.

        Nina commented on an old blog entry about sensitive children (click here to read) and my answer seems too much for just a comment response. The issue of being sensitive can follow us throughout our lives.  Nina’s problem stands out even more because she is a stay at home mom who likes the comfort and emotional safety she experiences at home. The problem becomes the transition into other environments.

        Since Nina asked for advice, I can speak from my own experience and hope other readers offer additional advice.  There are two different situations that I’ve encountered.

       The first, general sensitivity to crowds or unbalanced individuals, is one that still gets to me when I am tired or stressed.  When I am going into a highly charged environment, from meeting friends at a restaurant for lunch to shopping in the mall during holidays or special sale days, I keep my focus on my own internal energy and the task at hand. I barely notice people other than friends and sales clerks directly related to my mission. I would never ‘shop-‘til-I-drop’, no matter how efficient it may be.

        Before stepping into a public situation I pump my self up, connecting with the core of my being and personality, and projecting my own positive energy level.  Some days, I focus on breathing, bringing in love and radiating it back outward with each exhale to the public in general. I may breath in energy and use the exhale to reinforce a white envelop of protection around me in the more difficult (anxious crowd) situations. I downright avoid any large rally where the crowd is likely to get worked up, be it with enthusiasm or anger.

        In small groups or at community meetings, which you may attend with the best intentions only to find other people’s elevated emotions impinging on your space, learn to stay detached. Never allow yourself to ‘slide’ into empathy with emotional stories or responses.  Who owns the problem you are listening to, who owns the anger? It isn’t your responsibility to feel everything they are feeling. Keep your own center of peace and calm.

         Nina, you may have spent your life focused on opening and connecting with loved ones. The hard part is learning to form effective blocks that allow you to relate without a deeper psychic or sensitive connection during all the other moments in your life. When relating one-on-one, say with a friend who is emotional, you may have to learn to become comfortable letting their feelings run through you. If I hear someone telling me of their mother’s struggle with cancer, I can almost guarantee tears will be running down my cheeks while I watch and listen.  However, I still can keep my center of personal calm.  This comes from years of centering internally and from not grabbing onto the emotions that flow through me.  Mediation is great for helping learn this focus.  

       Second, I would mention those on a spiritual path sometimes open to new levels of receptivity.  There came a stage when I had been doing extensive work in higher levels, only to find myself becoming uncharacteristically impatient (even irritated) with a lot of people around me. This even occurred with the yogis who’d been meeting at our home for years and showed no outer signs of being upset or imbalanced.

         V.G., the Indian Brahmin who lead the weekly meditations in our home, thought he knew the reason: with all my recent work, I had started picking up on other people’s disorganized or unsettled auras.  His advice did not help: “This was the point where most yogis retreat to the mountain, to get away from people until the new awareness grows strong enough to stay above the impact of other’s presence.”

        Not practical.  Moving into seclusion was hardly practical with three small children, a husband’s busy social life and my own part-time job.  My remaining option was to just ‘guts’ my way through the problem, focusing on my own inner strength and on connecting with spiritual energies. I learned to recognize and accept my own irritated feelings without clinging and building minor into major reactions. I spent more time radiating generalized love, accepting myself and my emotions, appreciating the divine in my life, or using whatever thought or emotion seemed capable of overriding outside influences. Eventually I got past the point where this issue bothered me.

        That being said, I admit to still suffering when my blood sugars are low, I am tired or stressed out. I’ve learned to give myself permission to stop pushing, permission to finish my errands or activities later.  If that is not possible, I acknowledge the problem to myself, make the best of the situation, and devote extra recovery time later at home.  I still am uncomfortable around some people.  I find polite ways to move away, or pull my attention back to my own center of being.  Often it helps to simply identify the person whose aura or emotional reaction is affecting me.  This simple awareness provides me some distance and detachment.

         If you are sensitive, you must take care of yourself. Read about  introverts versus extroverts (click here) and try to space out social excursions or time them for high energy days. Learn to call it quits when shopping or visiting if or when you start feeling your energy or emotions sag. Treat yourself better (something most mothers find hard to do). Find ways to create novel solutions in the midst of a busy schedule (necessity is the mother of invention).

        While I also feel more comfortable in my own house, I challenge myself to get out on a regular basis.  It is my sincerest belief that the more one stays relaxed in a familiar environment, the harder it can become to cope when outside the comfort zone.

        While other readers may offer more advice, this is the best I can do.  Stay in touch, Nina and let me know how things are progressing.......Jan

        The past weekend contained an unexpected day of inner cleansing.  Randy cleaned out the bedroom file cabinet and handed me several dated envelopes from my folder.  One envelop of bank records was moved to a downstairs file cabinet, the envelop of older bank records was set to one side, destined to be burned in the fireplace that night. The final envelop contained legal correspondence covering a painful custody battle and years of my ex trying to scam his way past Ohio’s predetermined system of paying child support.

        Ten years have passed since the custody battle—a nightmare far worse than the divorce and its aftermath.  After the divorce I’d struggled to pull three boys through medical, academic, emotional and social problems until their lives were balanced and running smoothly. I’d worked hard to ensure a good relationship between the boys and their father, despite my own family’s objections that I was not being truthful about their father’s behavior.  
    

        I’d struggled through every trick my ex could pull to shave off child support and  run up my legal bills. At the divorce, I’d assumed half the debt my first husband brought into our marriage, debt which remained about the same at our split despite ten years of attempts to reign in his spending and regain a financial foothold. I’d taken on tax liabilities, given up alimony, and taken over covering all medical, dental and schooling costs for the boys. My only concession was that child support be adjusted yearly because of his flexible income.  Based on commission, it had been abnormally (obscenely) low at the time of the divorce, though (surprise!) immediately afterward jumping back up to far more than I would ever make.  We ended up with yearly court battles because the ex always felt he might shave off more than the year before, even as his income continued to climb.  The issue of custody had not come up at the divorce because my ex preferred the freedom of seeing the kids for visitation and not worrying about realities of day-to-day living.
    

        After years of high living, my ex grew tired of paying child support.  The boys seemed easy enough to keep around in summer: other than a larger food bill, the boys took care of themselves, mowed the lawn, cleaned the house and cared for the pets.  Seeing a  new way to get back at me, he began the custody battle. It ended with the recommendation from the guardian ed litem that the oldest go to Cleveland to live with the father, while the youngest two stay with me. It was a rare case in Ohio to split the kids, but the oldest was making everyone’s life miserable in his attempt to pressure the younger siblings into moving.
    

        Things worked out for the boys. They never knew what went on in the background. Since my ex was making three times my salary, it did not relieve him of child support payments even though it raised my portion of the support obligation.  It made a difference in the money I could set aside for the boys’ college fund and put me back on a paycheck to paycheck lifestyle, but did not shift payments enough to put me in dire financial hardship. It didn’t put extra income in my ex’s pocket. For him, that meant the battle continued. No need to go through the details. The point was that I’d saved my copies of the lawyer’s communications over the scams that followed. I’d thought of the papers every time my kids talked about ‘poor Dad going through such hard times financially’ and of the reality to which the boys were never privy.
    

        I’d save the papers in hopes that someday—when the boys were grown—they would understand what had happened. Now, looking at the papers I realize we are past the days of child support. I don’t need these papers. Is it so important to keep evidence against their father?  What do I hope to accomplish?
    

        I know the high road. The high road says to burn the past records.  This was my problem and does not change the relationship that evolves between the boys and their father. Yet I struggled with emotions.  Deep down, I want the boys to know my struggle and what was kept out of their tender lives. I want recognition someday that makes up for getting through this without sinking to the ex’s level.  And I know that is a petty response.
    

        I make the decision to burn the papers and Randy raises his eyebrows.  He thinks I should save them so the boys can discover the truth somewhere down the road. His remark reactivates my gut reaction to preserve documentation. It is my rational side that burns the paperwork that night. Regrets tug at my heart the whole time, but I force myself to throw paper after paper on the fire. Afterward, I tell Randy I may need a completion meditation to fully let go of the past, but as the next days pass the regrets fade on their own.
    

        It remains a surprise each time I face these challenges—how difficult it can be to do the right thing and not look for social acknowledgment or cosmic compensation.  The best I can do is return to the center of my being and take comfort in living by my own standards.
    

        I am reminded of the two monks who come to a stream where a young maiden is unable to cross.  The first monk does not hesitate but picks up the woman and carries her to the other shore, after which the monks and woman go their own way.  As the monks walk on, the second monk talks incessantly about how this act of ‘kindness’ violated the monks’ vow never to touch a woman. At last, the first monk stops walking and turns to his companion. “I put that woman down on the other side of the river.  You are still carrying her.”
    

        I have carried these papers, unsure if I am doing the children a disservice by keeping them ignorant about the reality of their father’s lifestyle, or if I have preserved their emotional connection to their father by letting them come to their own conclusions.  Now the papers are gone.  I am disappointed in myself to discover how difficult it was to let go of the papers. The boys tend to see Mom as the one who is financially secure and poor Dad as the one who always must struggle with hardships.  
  

        Why is it so hard to sit and listen as they expound their father’s woes?  I wonder if someday I will ever become like my ideal of a spiritual being: one who takes the right action with no need for recognition. What part of myself would I have to root out to become a silent monk? If I could ever get to that point, I wonder how it would affect my ability to share and bond with others. Is my spiritual goal in conflict with an equal desire to live life as a fully vested human being?  There are no easy answers.