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Saturday October 9, 2004: Forgiving: Part Three

       After you've forgiven what other people have done, it's time to forgive what was not done. This is addressing your own inner needs. Are you angry or hurt because you weren't treated right? Many people hold an image of themselves and how they want to be treated.  It conflicts with the way reality actually plays out. You can't change what has already happened. You can't demand that every person see you the way you want to be seen, or give you what you think you deserve. Maybe it is time to take a closer look at why you cling to an image that demands reality change to suit your needs. Perhaps you will find deeper issues, feelings of not being good enough, or fears of being rejected. Use these outside hurts as a signal that deeper healing needs to take place. Instead of seeing negative crises in our lives, see each encounter as an opportunity to advance your own spiritual understanding.

         Maybe the hurt comes because we expect someone to know us well enough to realize what we feel and what we need.  They should intuitively look after those needs if they truly care about our happiness. There is a saying..."If you want vanilla, ask for vanilla."  You can't expect others to read your mind; don't waste too much time trying to get a specific person to fulfill specific needs.

        The fastest way to fall into a victim role is to expect or believe someone else can be responsible for your happiness.  It's your life. The alternative does not come back to relying on only yourself or on blaming yourself because you have not single handily created the perfect life; nor is it having to do without. Your needs can be met if you are clear about the essence of your desire.

        The divine can provide everything we need to be happy. You may need to change the way you look at the world. Suppose you pray for a house and God gives you a lumber yard. Are you the type who keeps praying and praying, hoping that someday the house will magically appear and wondering why God is not responding? Do you give up and say there is no God and it was a waste of time to pray because the house you wanted was sold to someone else? Do you continue to believe in God but decide you weren't worthy and God's answer must have been "no"?  Many people walk away never seeing the lumber yard.

         When you pray to the divine, you must know that true needs will be met.  Do not expect prayers or metaphysics to make a particular person love you, or give you something that might rightfully need to go to someone else.  Even if you force the issue, it may not be in your best interest.  However, it is all right to pray for your highest good.  Wanting a better life is not spiritually selfish.

       Is the need or desire to find a loving relationship, a different career, financial security?  Look around you. What attitudes and patterns in your current life need to be changed to move you into a different lifestyle?  Finding a loving relationship may not mean just dating more people. You may need to learn and understand more about deeper issues involved in loving yourself and giving love to others. Finding a better job may require a deeper look at your goal, the needs it will fulfill, and the person you must become to fit this job. If you want financial security you may have to understand why you need that security and what would make you feel secure before you can see what to change.

        Part of healing is forgiving life for not turning out the way you wanted. It is a healing of the hopes and dreams that were never realized. I found this to be the deepest hurt. My divorce was more than just problems between two people. It involved my dreams of what marriage, partnership, and parenthood, could be. It involved my belief in the commitment to work out problems.  This pain struck the vulnerable part of me the hardest and needed the most healing.  When I could complete this step I could once again be at peace with my life and the world.  Some people work their way past these pains without being aware of the process.  To know what you must face and resolve seems to speed the process of healing.

Posted on Saturday, October 9, 2004 at 09:45AM by Registered CommenterThe Skeptical Mystic | CommentsPost a Comment

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