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Tuesday November 9, 2004: Fluidity of Reality

Be sure you've read September 15: Intro to Mystic Experiences before continuing, as this comes from the weird part of my life.... Excerpt from THE LAST HIGH PRIESTESS: SURVIVING MULTIDIMENSIONAL REALITIES

...........I tried regular, daily meditations, carefully focused on mantras or holy words.  Usually doing consistent meditations built up a momentum and intensity, gods and goddesses began appearing, and other realities seeped into my daily life. I did not need that interfering with an already-full schedule. I reasoned that keeping my thoughts rigidly controlled would make a difference. It did, though not the way I wanted.

            Things in my everyday life started falling apart. I had a huge blowout with my babysitter over things that had happened with the kids. My car was constantly in the repair shop. These are not minor issues when you are the primary breadwinner and caregiver. I could accept that the car and the babysitter would eventually be replaced with something better, but I had the feeling this was all caused by old patterns within me that were breaking up. Somehow, these changes were translating into my outer life. It didn't help to have it affecting my family and work situations. The stress of working through the changes took its toll on my health. I mentioned it casually in a letter to V.G.

            Brother, did I get a response! His answer was not a subtle suggestion: Stop meditating for more than five minutes at a time, he said. Limit your meditations to a few times a week. 

            No.  Please, no. That wasn't what I wanted to hear. I had friends back in Ohio telling me how wonderful their lives were just because they meditated a half-hour every day. That was what I wanted, too. I wanted to escape to the peace, the harmony, the sweetness of spiritual awareness.

            I obeyed orders--reluctantly, head down and scuffing my feet perhaps--but I did obey.  I thought wistfully about reaching beyond the limitations of my past.

            V.G. had warned me not to meditate, so I didn't. I was trying to behave myself.  Honest. I was truly caught by surprise when one day a power came out of nowhere, surging through my body with frightening intensity. This was not what I wanted.....

            ......I recognized, in a flash, the power that would allow me to alter or rearrange energy and matter by will. This was the power that allowed yogis to walk across water or through walls or change the appearance of reality. This was the power to levitate, to change form. This was the power I abused in my Egyptian lifetime. It was the power to heal or destroy.  I stood on a razor's edge, one side positive, one side negative.  Which side I chose did not matter to me now; I felt only the driving desire to use the power, to let its siren's song fill me to overflowing.

            I was like a non-swimmer who wandered out too far from shore and could barely touch bottom with my toes. Waves hit me and lifted me up. I felt lost, carried beyond myself, beyond my control. The power was changing me, hardening me. The desire of power, the power of desire--both were overwhelmingly seductive drugs.

            Like the non-swimmer who brushes ground and regains a sense of survival and emotional clarity, I brushed against my own awareness. I recognized the danger of this power and its lure. To survive, I had to direct the current into a positive channel. I tried to visualize sending love but lost my emotional footing as another wave lifted me. For a moment I did not care if its sweetness destroyed me.

            Memories flooded my awareness.  I knew how to use this flow.  I could hold this image in my awareness like thus. It would only take a shift....

            No. No, I screamed, as I touched ground again. Each time became more frightening as I found myself unable to redirect my hunger for power, as I realized the desire to extend the power threatened to override my better judgment.  All the memories that showed me how to use this force came from a lifetime when I abused it, when I believed I was defending the divine. I risked losing another lifetime, perhaps scores of lifetimes, if I could not conquer the current surging through me. Yet I could not let go of it.

            I touched ground, and the inspiration came to redirect the power through the heart chakra. Yes, I could do that. I felt my heart center straining to open. I was hit by a wave of tremendous pain, but I was past caring. I opened and felt the next wave finally burst through.  I looked down and saw the unstoppable rush surging from my chest. The pain evolved and changed.

            So different. How could anything be so different? The next wave lifted me into joy and ecstasy. The fear was no more; only love remained--raw and brutal--a love raging through me, something in and of itself, something beyond my ownership.

            When the energy was finished with me, I felt empty and hollow.  I could not tell if I was experiencing joy or dread.  Sure, I was relieved to have learned about re-channeling, but I was still more like the non-swimmer who had found just enough of a toehold to work back to solid ground. Relief did not instill confidence. Faced with a similar event, would I be equally successful? It seemed a battle won more by luck than anything. God, protect me! The memories of Egypt had been so close, and Egypt had been my ultimate failure. I had fallen once. Suddenly the potential to fall again seemed too real, too close.  I didn't want to deal with problems like this......

To be continued.....

 

Posted on Tuesday, November 9, 2004 at 04:59AM by Registered CommenterThe Skeptical Mystic | CommentsPost a Comment

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