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Wednesday, January 20, 2010: The Roots of Fear

        I’ve been picking at the edges of the problem: my desire to give freely without need for acknowledgement.  I give enthusiastically to friends, family and neighbors, taking on more than my responsibility, only to later feel taken for granted when my efforts go unnoticed.  It is hardly in the best interest of all parties if I enable some to ignore their responsibilities, or if I deny others the option of contributing to a common good by jumping in before they get the chance. Yet, the inner drive to give, to take on more responsibility than expected, is a drive that continues to surface in my life. At the same time, becoming more self-centered, less responsive to the needs of those around me, is not an option.

            Inner searches have located old nemeses of mine and it comes as a surprise that I am not rid of them: the fear that others might not think well enough of me, and beneath that, the fear I am not good enough.  I have faced these same issues so many times when searching to heal emotional disturbances that you’d think I could have laid the fears to rest decades ago.

          It is easy enough to take the stance of today’s rational adult, to appreciate and rest in the acceptance of who I am today. Yet, in deep inner searches, I find myself coming back again and again to these same two fears. I am now committed to another round of trying to root them out, to immerse myself so deeply that I finally dissolve the fear.

            I do not expect the removal of these fears will make me less giving. It should allow me to see more clearly what is actually needed, rather than jumping in and taking away opportunities where others may need to contribute. I expect it will shift the focus to more appreciation of what others give, not as relief that they are helping with what I would have normally done, but as an expression of their own giving nature.

            All of this must seem very obvious to those reading this entry. I am reminded of the Indian myth of Seed-Demon, who continually spins out negative demons. The tendency is always to challenge the horde of negative demons attacking our current inner harmony; few of us think to brush past these surface emotions and hunt out our own personal Seed-Demon. I’ve attempted this many times before and wonder now if I have been stopping short, allowing the seed of fear to wriggle back down into its hiding place, granting it time to regain strength and return to spinning out disharmonic children.

      For too many years, my Seed-Demon has persisted, lurking in the depths. Can I finally find a way to rid myself of its influence, once and for all?

Posted on Wednesday, January 20, 2010 at 07:25AM by Registered CommenterThe Skeptical Mystic | CommentsPost a Comment

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