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Wednesday, February 6, 2013: Seeking a Deeper "Beingness"

          Strange how a spiritual journey is like a circular coil. In my youth I thought I had found detachment and could be “in this world but not of it.” I emotionally floated above the secular world, sending peace and love outward. I was never off-balance, never found fault, was always content accepting the duality of outer reality. My daily contact was just as much with inner masters as with outer acquaintances. People came up to me and commented that I seemed to have found the ultimate answer (which I told them I hadn’t), or insisted I was the most Christian person they’d ever known (despite my repeatedly telling them I was not a Christian). I had found a mystic’s peace and contentment that lasted for years.

          I think of that early mystic period now as the time when my inner faith held me far above the lower world’s reality. I floated in it. I clung to it. I would have continued, unaware I was clinging to the peace and harmony, had not Kali decided to step in and strip me of past attitudes and platitudes. Suddenly I was thrown back into life's emotional ups and downs, the harsh reality of marital problems (and eventually divorce), and a personal struggle to rediscover peace and harmony at a deeper level.

           My second mystic phase was a short burst of blissfulness. It came after an intense search, another period of reaching out to the higher truth of Beingness.  After that, I felt there was no other desire in my heart than to live always seeing the divine in everything around me. 

           I would have clung to that peace and harmony.  I know that now.  I would have entered another long mystical period had not my inner teachers immediately ordered me to take what I had learned back down into the lowest levels of reality. Dutifully, I plunged back into life, into its social struggles, falling into passionate ups and downs, defending the helpless and abused.

            I could not understand my next spiritual step. I went through periods of allowing myself to be pulled under by the rawest emotion and then searching to discover truths within those emotions. Certainly it stripped away illusions about my own mastery of rising above  human nature. Yet, emotions themselves became dear to me, a part of the creator’s gift that I could not reject: they came as part of a whole, wondrous package.

             I stand now ready to start all over: to try a new way of being “in this world, not of it.” Somehow I must do this not by riding upon positive attitudes far above concerns of the negative, nor by riding on waves of contentment, focused only on the realization of the divine’s infinite presence in all reality.

           Now, for the first time in many, many years, instead of drifting without direction, I find myself facing a new spiritual goal: to empty myself in a different manner and learn to rest, to move as an empty and content vessel within this reality; to quietly listen, giving up the deepest inner resistance, letting each moment pass without the need to respond or defend my own being; to “be” in a much deeper level than I have known in the past.

        All this must sound humorous to you, perhaps just the faltering step of an ignorant American.  Though I have had answers to my deepest spiritual questions (for which I am eternally grateful), I think this step is just learning how I will take responsibility for that blessing.  Perhaps it is just my need to spiral around until I reach the core. Perhaps the spiral continues forever and the core is really a black-hole that throws us out into another dimension, where we begin all over in another dimension. It is the journey that delights me.

         How long this new process will take I cannot foresee. Perhaps the rest of my life. Perhaps future lifetimes. I cannot even be confident that I will not encounter stopping points again. I only rejoice that I am once more back on the spiritual path, no longer afraid of the unknown.

Posted on Wednesday, February 6, 2013 at 07:01AM by Registered CommenterThe Skeptical Mystic | Comments2 Comments

Reader Comments (2)

I really identify with this. Being on this time continuum spirals us into many spiritual awakenings and slumbers. Good for you for staying diligent.
July 15, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKass
It was like in yoga i believe. It is the ability of sensing your internal feeling, the flow of energy and all that. I would like to suggest Tammy Moir at http://tammymoir.com/2013/06/20/all-the-little-things/ she may be a good help
July 15, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterVincent Luis Harris

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